one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize