If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I just want nice things and good sex
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
