My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
