I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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