the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
