Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
