just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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