Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
