we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
