at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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