the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
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