I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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