hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
In other news, I just burned my penis
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
