I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize