I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
