I need help removing her.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
