sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
