I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
