my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
