Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
