We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
