apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize