I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
The struggles of a small town man whore
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
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