Will you blow on my dice?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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