The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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