Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
