omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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