I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
