If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
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