Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
