The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
