Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
