Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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