pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Randomize
