Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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