Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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