the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
