This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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