It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
