Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm sobbing to NWA
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
