I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
