Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
