My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Randomize
