Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
