I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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