I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
