apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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