don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
