someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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