I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
