At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
