I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
