I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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