The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My ass is underappreciated
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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