I need to stop coming to work sober
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
