we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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